There are so many times I wish I could have a heart that was numb to the pain. I think that's where I'm fast approaching, too. My circumstances have taught me to have a sort of "bouncy heart"; one that can rebound from any hurt rather quickly. I'm not there yet, every time I "bounce" I still feel the pain - but maybe that's why. I need to build up my ability to rebound. Honestly, I really don't know. I could be completely off the mark.
The reason I created this blog was to be an encouragement to others in the midst of my storm ... but right now I'm finding it hard to do that, when it seems like I'm doing all I can just to protect my own heart against the attacks of the enemy. In all honesty, folks - Satan's been after me these past couple weeks, and that's why I had to take a break from blogging. Another one of his burning arrows hit me in the heart, and I've been trying to figure out how to remove it without shattering altogether. Thankfully, I think I'm on the mend ... but the question still remains. How much more of this can I take?
Lots of Christians out there who have never experienced true hardship say to me "be strong in the Lord, you can do anything!" But it's so much easier to say then to do. I find myself questioning Him, even when I know He has my best interest in mind.
I know all this has to be happening for a reason. If I've learned anything through my experiences over the past year, that should be it. But at the same time a part of me screams, "haven't I been through enough??"
The past couple weeks have been hard for me because I was wounded by those who I thought were like fathers to me. During a time where my biological father is so far from the Lord and lost, I relied heavily on the families who came around my Mom, sister and I as we're [still] recovering from the shock of things. I confided and trusted in families who are now ... gone. What I told to them confidentially has now been used against me. I'm not sure what started everything, but all I know is that I'm left even more bruised and battered than before.
I've already had one Dad leave me . . . it's hard to feel that twice.
It makes me want to give up on the male species altogether. :p Seriously, who can you trust? If I could have them learn one thing, just one thing ... It would be to never make promises they can't keep. Because I fall for it every time. The remarkable thing that God has worked through all this is that he has kept me an extremely trusting person regardless of what I've been through. If you tell me you're always there for me, I never doubt it for a second, no matter how many times I've been hurt. I wonder why it's so hard for them to keep that promise.
Any guys out there wish to enlighten me?
The consequence of trusting is that I get slapped... again and again. Yet I know that life without trust is lonely and sad... So I'm willing to endure the pain. Maybe one day I'll truly have a "bouncy heart." I trust in Christ who was once a carpenter to put my heart back together ... again.
~LL
