Sunday, September 19, 2010

Nature Girl

Personally, I don't really think my obsession with animals and plants requires a nickname. I'm fine just with "Lauren." ;) But, today, as I was explaining the components of a certain kind of plant to my sister, I think she got a little ... fed up with my adoration for botany.

*Tay Rolls her eyes.*
"You're such a NATURE GIRL."


But I have to say I am. I'm so in love with God's creation. If you just think about the complexity of ... anything - a tree, the oceans, even the air .... Did you know there's 20,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 particles in every breath we take?? Yeah! I'm always amazed by stuff like that.

What nature do YOU have, surrounding you? It doesn't matter if you live on a farm, near a lake, or in the city ... God's fingerprint is all around, reminding us that He's the reason we're here. He created us all. And he didn't create us to be stick figures .... he delicately and carefully made everything in creation to be extremely detailed and precise.

Time to go to bed. I have chemistry class at 8 in the morning. ;)
Signing off ...

~Lauren Lee
Nature Girl

Monday, September 13, 2010

A Note For the Overwhelmed

Do you need to hear this, today?
I did.

"Seeing that a Pilot steers the ship in which we sail, who will never allow us to perish even in the midst of shipwrecks, there is no reason why our minds should be overwhelmed with fear and overcome with weariness."
~John Calvin

I'm so glad my life isn't in my own hands. It's one thing to know - it's another to believe. Once you believe it - there is such relief.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Behind This Evil Wall

I cannot say how deeply moved I was by this poem. Not long after I wrote my last post, "scared to love", my friend Kristie posted this original work on her blog. It is a beautiful rendition of what I tried so hard to articulate.

If you haven't read my last post, go ahead and do so - I think it will help all this make sense. :)

As I read her poem, I suddenly felt ... a deeper understanding of that strange darkness, which has surreptitiously made it's way into my heart. I've built a wall - and I haven't even realized it. I don't want to be hurt, so I'm blocking out everything.

This poem really helped me realize that "safety is only perception" when you try to build your own wall - and the consequences of where that leads. Although I'm sure I do not feel the depth of despair shown in this poem, it definitely helps illustrate what I mean.

Thank you, Kristie!

My mind is a prison
In which I live
I can’t get out and no one can get in
Thick cold walls keep me contained
Inside my mind where there is only pain
I have worked night and day for years and years
To build this wall and success has come,
With a cost I could not have fathomed

With thick cold walls
Blocking out the light
In my mind it is always night
Darkness reins inside my mind
Where the thoughts race like light
Trying to escape the wall trying in vain to penetrate
The wall built so carefully in my brain

I will not be hurt ever again
This giant wall keeps everything in
Nothing can get in or out of my brain
My mind is fragile, so brick by brick
I built the wall to keep me safe
But once inside, I realized safety is only perception
Danger was programmed inside before my inception

Confined within my mind I am blind
My tears go unnoticed, without a trace
They are inward tears from trying to race
Against time and people who want me to hurt
Now I am within feeling numb and alone

Please take a boulder to break this stone
I have built around me and I need to be free
Something frightening is clawing inside of me ...

Find Kristie's poems at her blog, "Just Me":

Friday, September 10, 2010

Scared To Love

Hello, world. I'm back. :) After an extended vacation ... not really of my own choice, though. So many things started happening in my life, that I couldn't really take the time to sit down and blog. So, forgive me. Hopefully though, I won't have to take any more "breaks".

Today I am talking about a very sore spot. And ya'll get to hear about it. :) Sometimes, I think I should've started this blog as an anonymous writer, haha ... that way, I could REALLY say anything I wanted. But no, my name, Lauren Lee, is right there for the world to see. And, that would kind of defeat the purpose of this blog entry, anyway. To write anonymously would be to hide.

And yes, I would be ok with that. I like to hide ... it's what I do.
There will be people who read this and judge. And, that's fine. I can't control what people think. But. Quite frankly, you do it to. We all do. People hide in all sorts of ways ... they'll hide their sin, their viewpoints, their hearts. They hide who they truly are.

The way that I hide: I refuse to love.
This summer, somehow, I've .... forgotten how to love.

There's nothing more that I like than to be alone. I've learned to really dislike the world, these past couple years. With all that's happened with my dad, my church, a person I loved, some of my best friends ... I hide my heart. I don't want to get hurt again. So I distance myself from people that I love, because I'm suddenly afraid that they'll disappear. It's selfish, but hey. I've been burned too many times - I'm not going to put my hand in that fire again.

Am I alone in this? People? Talk to me.

Please don't get me wrong, I enjoy people. Ask any of my friends and they'll tell you I'm a crazy extroverted social butterfly. I love making people smile, making them laugh, and bringing fun to their lives. I like being there for people when they're going through something tough, because I know how it is.

But, every time we go through "that fire"; An abusive dad, a bad childhood, a broken heart, a death of someone dear, ect., we get burned. And suddenly, our entire life perspectives are changed. Everything is suddenly about protecting that wound.
Should it be?

No. It shouldn't.
"It", meaning, "your life", needs to be about Christ.
And that's part of the reason I'm blogging about this. I need to EXPOSE where my wound is, and not hide it anymore.
This is where I am.

Now you know.

The devil is at work in my heart, I think. He works through suffering, just like God can work through suffering. He can sneak his little self into a situation and turn around your life's purpose - deflect it from Christ onto YOUR feelings and YOUR heart. Protecting YOURSELF. I'll admit - the Devil's got a foothold on me, right now.

And it's darn scary.

No one can save mankind from his grasp except the one thing more powerful than him in this universe - God's love.

So I cry out to Him asking him to heal this wound. Take it away, Father. Wrap me in your arms and tell me ....

It's ok to love. Don't be afraid.... So what if you get burned? This world won't last forever. You're heaven bound, girlfriend.

Take that risk, and love again.

~Lauren Lee
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