Friday, September 10, 2010

Scared To Love

Hello, world. I'm back. :) After an extended vacation ... not really of my own choice, though. So many things started happening in my life, that I couldn't really take the time to sit down and blog. So, forgive me. Hopefully though, I won't have to take any more "breaks".

Today I am talking about a very sore spot. And ya'll get to hear about it. :) Sometimes, I think I should've started this blog as an anonymous writer, haha ... that way, I could REALLY say anything I wanted. But no, my name, Lauren Lee, is right there for the world to see. And, that would kind of defeat the purpose of this blog entry, anyway. To write anonymously would be to hide.

And yes, I would be ok with that. I like to hide ... it's what I do.
There will be people who read this and judge. And, that's fine. I can't control what people think. But. Quite frankly, you do it to. We all do. People hide in all sorts of ways ... they'll hide their sin, their viewpoints, their hearts. They hide who they truly are.

The way that I hide: I refuse to love.
This summer, somehow, I've .... forgotten how to love.

There's nothing more that I like than to be alone. I've learned to really dislike the world, these past couple years. With all that's happened with my dad, my church, a person I loved, some of my best friends ... I hide my heart. I don't want to get hurt again. So I distance myself from people that I love, because I'm suddenly afraid that they'll disappear. It's selfish, but hey. I've been burned too many times - I'm not going to put my hand in that fire again.

Am I alone in this? People? Talk to me.

Please don't get me wrong, I enjoy people. Ask any of my friends and they'll tell you I'm a crazy extroverted social butterfly. I love making people smile, making them laugh, and bringing fun to their lives. I like being there for people when they're going through something tough, because I know how it is.

But, every time we go through "that fire"; An abusive dad, a bad childhood, a broken heart, a death of someone dear, ect., we get burned. And suddenly, our entire life perspectives are changed. Everything is suddenly about protecting that wound.
Should it be?

No. It shouldn't.
"It", meaning, "your life", needs to be about Christ.
And that's part of the reason I'm blogging about this. I need to EXPOSE where my wound is, and not hide it anymore.
This is where I am.

Now you know.

The devil is at work in my heart, I think. He works through suffering, just like God can work through suffering. He can sneak his little self into a situation and turn around your life's purpose - deflect it from Christ onto YOUR feelings and YOUR heart. Protecting YOURSELF. I'll admit - the Devil's got a foothold on me, right now.

And it's darn scary.

No one can save mankind from his grasp except the one thing more powerful than him in this universe - God's love.

So I cry out to Him asking him to heal this wound. Take it away, Father. Wrap me in your arms and tell me ....

It's ok to love. Don't be afraid.... So what if you get burned? This world won't last forever. You're heaven bound, girlfriend.

Take that risk, and love again.

~Lauren Lee


Amanda said...

You have no idea how much I needed to hear this. <3 Talk soon. :)

Just Me said...

Thanks for the comment. It is very hard when our hearts become hardened against others. It does feel good to be alone, but in being alone for so long one does tend to wonder if it is how it will always be, should be? This was an excellent post. Thanks for sharing.

Emilyann Of Iowa said...

I love you, Lauren Lee. <3 Very much. And that's why I'm writing this. Because I care so much about you that I can't let you do this alone. Like Amanda said, talk soon. <3 besties forever, girlie.

Rachel Lawyer said...

I love you, Lauren.

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable." -
C.S. Lewis


Anonymous said...

Lauren, its like you took the words right out my mouth.... I can tell you have been through some pretty tough things to write a blog like this. While I don't know your exact circumstances I do know you must have suffered deeply. I know this because I've suffered like this too. This past summer I got my heart ripped out of my chest. The pain was so piercing that I feel I have been irreversibly altered. Like I no longer see the world quite the same way. My perspective on life is less innocent less naive as it once was and though at times I wish I could, there is no going back. Ultimately, I too have had to face the all important question, "Can I ever love again?"

The answer I found is surprisingly yes. With the grace and forgiveness that is from Christ I have the hope of healing. And though healing may not come over night and my heart may still be in pieces, God is a master puzzle maker and He knows how to put it back together again. Perhaps it us through our brokenness that we are most able to be used by God. I do know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Because through the depths of my broken heart has come the will to fight on. We must not give up!

Lauren may you be encouraged that our loving Savior has not forgotten about you. That He is the one who "brings beauty from ashes" and "strength to the weary" and love to the brokenhearted. May His love over flow your cup.

Your Brother in Christ,

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