Growing up, I never felt the unconditional love of a father. He seemed far off and distant - and I never knew why. Looking from the outside in, our household looked like it was functioning normally . . . But actually experiencing it from the inside, there was much hurt and pain. I'd look at my friends fathers and see that they were involved in their children's life, but I always had an empty feeling inside. Why didn't I get those sort of hugs? Why didn't he ever spend time with me? My questions were left unanswered, and the only answer I had was, "I must not be good enough." I grew up with this traumatic sense of insecurity, because my life was devoid of a fathers love.
In november 2008, my world came crashing down . . . But my questions were finally answered. It was discovered that the man I knew as father participated in some dangerous, and even illegal activity. He ended up leaving the home in January, 2009.
The pain didn't stop there. Many members of our church were deceived, and even some of our close friends as well -- causing division and alienation. It was a confusing time, and these people didn't know what to think, or what to make, out of what had happened to my family. The truth was so muddled, people were believing my dad, instead turning against us, the victims of his sin.
Through the years I have experienced homelessness. I have experienced judgement. I have been left. I have been insulted. But it's okay:
Through it all, through the pain and the hurt, has been peace. Even joy. Christ has filled me up in a way that I've never before experienced, and he's taken the place of bitterness, anger, and hate. His work in my life is not to be hidden under a basket. It's to be shown, as brightly as possible, to declare His glory and testify to His comforting sovereignty.
God Himself, maker of the universe, has revealed Himself to me as my Father. He's there to tell me "no" when I tempt His patience, there to pick me up when I fail. I wouldn't trade my experiences, painful though they were, for anything. God has drawn close to this sinner, and adopted her as His own. As you read my stories, my thoughts, and my sometimes too honest revelations about myself and my life . . . I pray that it ministers to your soul and points you back to a Father who will never fail us.
This trial was worth it. He is worth it.
Lauren
