Saturday, October 9, 2010

Forever and Ever, Amen

It's hard for me to think of the bygone days, once filled with laughter, love, and hope. When days seemed so carefree, and happy. I'm grateful for where I'm at now, but in wake of a broken heart, I can't help but to remember.

A beautiful memory can be a joy . . . unfortunately, it can also be an aching wound that starts throbbing again when it's revisited with my oh-so-helpless nostalgia, fueled by nasty powers of recall. The most painful things in life are the blissful things in life, no longer obtained. The most hurtful moments of all are the happy moments, that seem to have disappeared. The most broken hearts, come from the most wholesome and innocent hearts.

I think I have a problem.
A problem of not being able to get over things. Of not being able to get over... people. There's this thing in me called loyalty that seems to have taken over my soul to such an extent that this naturally "good" characteristic has now turned bad. My loyalty has turned into something destructive to my heart.

There's a song ... a song that my sister and mom turn up the volume for every time it plays on the radio. "Forever and ever, forever and ever ... forever and ever, Amen," ring the lyrics. That is unfortunately my state of mind.

Once I give my heart, and my friendship, and my all, to someone, I expect my heart to be taken care of. I expect them to treat it right. I expect . . . and sometimes I get really, really hurt.
When that happens, it's hard for me to recover. I can't seem to. . . get over it.

The truth is that in order to love, we have to extend our precious hearts out into a vast and scary world, exposed to all it's dangers and perils. We risk it getting hurt, getting bruised, and even letting it get completely broken. We're throwing ourselves out into unknown territory, saying, "bring it on!" When in reality, we can't fathom what we're inviting.

I've learned that that's a risk I have to take.

People aren't perfect. They sin. They hurt you. They beat you up. They chew you, and spit you out again. I've been really hurt, lately. Really, really bruised. It seems like whenever I extend my heart, sure enough, I get slapped. I remember back to the times when I was whole and complete - and yearn for those days of blithe existence.

The problem with this is that it's not a one time deal. It's not that I lost one person in my life, and so I'm sad and writing a blog about it to spill my woes to my unfortunate readers.
No . . .
it's that I've lost many, many people in my life (........and spilling my woes to my unfortunate readers.). :P

The good thing is that I'm telling all this to you, with a point in mind. Here's the point.

Satisfaction must always be found in Christ . . . always always. Because people will fail you. People will let you down. People will promise to take care of your heart, and then shatter it the first chance they get. Christ takes your heart, he mends it, he puts it away in a safe, locked, vault - and protects it forever. No one can get to it, when it's safe in his care.

I'd rather have my heart be protected by him any day, than try to build those walls around my heart, myself.

So, I can sit here in my window seat, and pine away about what used to be. I can mope and sob and cry to my mother (my poor mother... yes, she's heard a lot from me lately. :P ) and wish for the days where my broken heart was whole, and my relationship with so and so wasn't torn apart, and the world was a dandy place of unicorns and flowers and rainbows and waffles. Yes, there is a time for mourning, and a time for grief . . . But I have to get over it. I need to respond to the Spirit of God, whispering quietly in my ear, asking for surrender. Why not give HIM my heart, instead of putting unrealistic expectations on sinful mankind?

It's only Christ who will love me, "forever and ever."


~Lauren Lee


Melody said...

Beautiful post, dear friend. This really strikes a chord within me, because I have faced many similar things. I'm so thankful we serve a God who holds our hearts in His hands, and mends them when we give them to someone else who shatters them.

Hugs to you,

Amanda said...

I love you so much, Lauren Lee. And even though a lot of other stuff has come crashing down over the past few days, I'm always always always here for you. Forever and ever, amen. <3

P.S. I less than four you. ;)

Lauren Lee said...

Thank you so much, girls. You're such an encouragement! :)

Andrea said...

great great post!! thank you for this. i have been struggling so much about finding my satisfaction in christ. i look to ALL the wrong places. thank you so much for the encouragement.


Anonymous said...

Just remember we may suffer in this earth but if we follow His Commandments it will all be worth it it when our Messiah comes back for us.

Santana Vitales (Hey That's Me!) said...

i really liked your post.. I can relate to it as well..
Keep it up... Ppl are listening.
Your new follower...

Katie S. said...

Wow, our stories are so similar! I am a 16 year old girl and my world crashed in the similar way about 2 years ago and I have never really had that father figure. I'm sooo happy I found your blog (definitely going to follow it!) and I look forward to reading more from you!! ~Katie

JosieHope said...

Lauren! Your making me cry! ;( I love you dearly and want you to know God does too <3
hugs, josie

Anonymous said...

Wow Lauren.

I needed this. I have the worst trust issues. I know the feeling of extending your heart...then watching it fall to the ground and shatter into shards so sharp that you don't think you can put them back into your chest. I'm praying for you. Pray for me too, will ya?

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