Sunday, January 24, 2010

Certainty in a Bunch of IDKs

“When I’m old, will I be rich?”

“Outcome uncertain.”

“Will I die and go to heaven in the next 10 seconds?”

“Cannot Determine At This Time.”

10 Seconds Later.

I chucked the small, black 8 ball across the room. You know that feeling you get in the pit of your stomach when you’re about to do something risky? Say, singing in front of a group of people, giving a speech, or stepping outside the norm? This was one of those times. Only this feeling wasn’t derived from a sense of self-consciousness. To put it frankly, I didn’t care how others saw me. At that moment, I would have sung “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star” in front of Brad Pitt without caring. The emotion I had was one of insecurity … and the thought running through my immature, shallow brain was: “somebody, kill me.”

I remember the day well. It was just a week or so after my dad left. I was depressed, unhappy, and really grumpy. So I sat in the corner of my room – not taking advantage of my cozy bed or fluffy chairs. No … I wouldn’t turn to any of my electronics, animals, or food sources for comfort … I just sat there, in the deepest corner I could find, and put my head in my hands.

I've heard kids describe the feeling as “wanting to pull their hair out.” Only I felt like that to the extreme!!! But I can’t describe it that way because, quite frankly, I see my hair as a prized possession.

So I’ll describe it in a different way: I felt like giving up.

Or at least my feelings were pretty close to that. Although the idea of actually taking my own life was simply horrifying, the whole concept of “having it over with” seemed appealing compared to my [then] current mental state.

You see, as my parents were contemplating divorce, and my dad was making provisions for himself elsewhere, my mom, sister and I didn’t know what we were going to do. Everything was uncertain. My dad would always say, in that odd tone that I had come to know all too well: “Everything’s going to be alright in the end.”


But reality still existed. And I felt alone, abandon, and unloved. Uncertainty hit me like a ton of bricks, sitting there in that corner.

Where were we going to move too? What would I tell my friends? Sheesh, this is embarrassing. Does this mean I can’t go shopping anymore? Well, duh, Lauren. So many questions ran through my head. And this "poor me" mentality couldn’t handle it all.

Thus I sat in the corner, with an 8-ball in my hand. And it wasn’t giving me any answers. Obviously, even my little fortune telling friend was all mixed up.

So I attempted to answer my own questions:

"Will dad ever turn around?"

…. I don’t know.”

“Will we get to keep all our stuff …

…. I don’t know.”

“all my friends have fathers ... What will my life be like without one?" …

… I don’t know ….

See a pattern? I do. “I don’t knows” were invading my life. Everything I was – and was known for, was suddenly an “IDK” (Texting language for “I don’t know”, for all you non tech people out there).

My self-confidence had gone down the tubes. I felt like I could never be confident again. My family was torn apart, my social life was becoming more and more complicated, and I was sitting in the corner for 1, 2, going on 3 hours.

Just so I don’t leave you all hanging, I did get out of the corner. My butterfly-infested stomach eventually led me to the kitchen and I think I ate some granola bars or something.

But the feeling continued. Day in and day out, constant insecurity. Finally, I changed. And I would learn to adapt. In fact, I don’t think I adapted on my own. Someone Else adapted me. He adapted me. And as this blog grows, you will be able to read the story of how that happened.

Standing there, His arms were open wide. Right when I was sitting in a corner thinking about death, there He was in his fullness, a picture of life. Right when my 8-ball was reading “Ask Again Later,” there He was, ready to answer all my questions.

There He was. Certain and unmoved.

God was the one being I could put my entire trust into. He would never change. Christ was the one solid truth to which I clung - my Father, when I didn't have one! He was my certainty amidst a bunch of IDKs.

~Lauren Lee :)


Nehemiah 9:17: But you are a God ready to forgive, gracious and merciful, slow to anger and abounding insteadfast love ...

Proverbs 3:5-6: Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take.

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