Recently I was reading a paper by 17 year old Amanda Lynn Geesey. She was describing her feelings as the effects of not having a father took it’s toll:
Lord, the pain is too much to bear! I can't take this anymore; I have to get out. I tried to get his attention once before with the anorexia but he did not care then, so why would he care if I was alive or dead. Well, at least the pain will be gone. My heart hurts, there is no one to care, no one to love me. He left without a word, without a tear. He did not call on my birthday. He even misspelled my name on the first Christmas present he ever sent, and there was only one of those. His checks are supposed to buy his love, yet he never even sends them! He probably does not even remember my name, I know he does not know my hair color, eye color, whether or not I am tall or short, fat or skinny. God, I just pray I don't look or act anything like him.
People don't get it! They just make things worse! They criticize me and say "I am not right with God," because I miss my dad, yet in the same sense I hate him. Their lives are not perfect so why do they pick on me? I did not choose my life, but I can choose to end it. They say let God be my "Dad" well, I would like to see them try it. God cannot reach down and give me the hug I so desperately need and tell me that I am loved. My dad never told me that; he never said I was pretty or smart. He always wants to blame me for any "bad" thing that happens in his life though.
… When I try to reach out all I receive is rejection, so let's get it over with! I don't care about them or my dad, I hate him! Where is God now? Even God has rejected me and forgotten even about my existence.
Wow. Although I cannot relate in full to the extent of her situation, being fatherless myself I understand where she’s coming from. This was exactly what I was going through during the first couple months after he moved out. All of my friends were telling me, “I’m praying for you . . . Lauren just trust in God!” Like it was SO easy! My feelings echoed hers exactly . . . God can’t physically sit beside me and wrap his arms around me. He can’t comfort me!
I was right. He couldn’t comfort me in the way I felt like I needed to be comforted. But He eventually showed me that He could do it so much better than that. Amanda went on to say:
Until recently this is exactly how I felt. I still struggle with feelings of abandonment, hurt and distrust of men. God has proven Himself faithful though and has showed me that He is loving, forgiving, caring and that not only am I in the palm of His hand but my name is willingly engraved on the palm of His hand that I will never be forgotten.
Her testimony, going from thinking that God abandon her to coming to the point of trusting Him and putting her life in the palm of His hand, truly ministered to me. It is such a beautiful encouragement.
One day, I will be able to sit in the physical presence of my heavenly Father. What a day that will be! For now, I can only look forward to that time. It is that hope which sustains me. One of my favorite movies of all time is “a Walk to Remember.” In it, Jamie, a modest, Christian girl, defines faith in one of the best ways I’ve heard it put. “It’s like the wind. I can’t see it, but I can feel it.” Until that day when I enter into the Lords court, I won’t be able to see Him. But nothing hinders the feeling of his love.
~Lauren Lee
"The Lord is near to those that have a broken heart, and he saves those who have a contrite spirit" (Psalm 34:18)
Amanda Geesey's Paper "The Importance of Fathers in the Home" http://www.cpyu.org/Page.aspx?id=77180
Or. Of course. If you STILL think you need to FEEL a hug (to lighten the mood a little).
Thanks To Carlotta's blog for this! :D VERY funny. Made me laugh.
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