Forever and Ever, Amen

It's hard for me to think of the bygone days, once filled with laughter, love, and hope. When days seemed so carefree, and happy. I'm grateful for where I'm at now, but in wake of a broken heart, I can't help but to remember.

A beautiful memory can be a joy . . . unfortunately, it can also be an aching wound that starts throbbing again when it's revisited with my oh-so-helpless nostalgia, fueled by nasty powers of recall. The most painful things in life are the blissful things in life, no longer obtained. The most hurtful moments of all are the happy moments, that seem to have disappeared. The most broken hearts, come from the most wholesome and innocent hearts.

I think I have a problem.

A problem of not being able to get over things. Of not being able to get over... people. There's this thing in me called loyalty that seems to have taken over my soul to such an extent that this naturally "good" characteristic has now turned bad. My loyalty has turned into something destructive to my heart.

There's a song ... a song that my sister and mom turn up the volume for every time it plays on the radio. "Forever and ever, forever and ever ... forever and ever, Amen," ring the lyrics. That is unfortunately my state of mind.

Once I give my heart, and my friendship, and my all, to someone, I expect my heart to be taken care of. I expect them to treat it right. I expect . . . and sometimes I get really, really hurt.

When that happens, it's hard for me to recover. I can't seem to. . . get over it.

The truth is that in order to love, we have to extend our precious hearts out into a vast and scary world, exposed to all it's dangers and perils. We risk it getting hurt, getting bruised, and even letting it get completely broken. We're throwing ourselves out into unknown territory, saying, "bring it on!" When in reality, we can't fathom what we're inviting.

I've learned that that's a risk I have to take.

People aren't perfect. They sin. They hurt you. They beat you up. They chew you, and spit you out again. I've been really hurt, lately. Really, really bruised. It seems like whenever I extend my heart, sure enough, I get slapped. I remember back to the times when I was whole and complete - and yearn for those days of blithe existence.

The problem with this is that it's not a one time deal. It's not that I lost one person in my life, and so I'm sad and writing a blog about it to spill my woes to my unfortunate readers.

No . . .

it's that I've lost many, many people in my life (........and spilling my woes to my unfortunate readers.). :P

The good thing is that I'm telling all this to you, with a point in mind. Here's the point.

Satisfaction must always be found in Christ . . . always always. Because people will fail you. People will let you down. People will promise to take care of your heart, and then shatter it the first chance they get. Christ takes your heart, he mends it, he puts it away in a safe, locked, vault - and protects it forever. No one can get to it, when it's safe in his care.

I'd rather have my heart be protected by him any day, than try to build those walls around my heart, myself.

So, I can sit here in my window seat, and pine away about what used to be. I can mope and sob and cry to my mother (my poor mother... yes, she's heard a lot from me lately. :P ) and wish for the days where my broken heart was whole, and my relationship with so and so wasn't torn apart, and the world was a dandy place of unicorns and flowers and rainbows and waffles. Yes, there is a time for mourning, and a time for grief . . . But I have to get over it. I need to respond to the Spirit of God, whispering quietly in my ear, asking for surrender. Why not give HIM my heart, instead of putting unrealistic expectations on sinful mankind?

It's only Christ who will love me, "forever and ever."

Amen.

~Lauren Lee

He Is Bigger Than My Problem!

Sometimes, don't you just wish you could escape? Get away from . . . life? Detach yourself from those situations that you're way over your head in? I tend to echo Scarlette O'Hara from "Gone with the Wind."

"I won't worry about that today. I'll worry about that tomorrow."

In a way, I suppose this could be both good and bad.

Good in the sense that my emotions don't come into play so much, until I'm forced to think about it. . . And often, when emotions dictate your actions, not-so-good things result.

However, this Scarlette O'Hara attitude is bad in the sense that it's running, instead of confronting. You can run, but you can't hide. Right when you think you're at a safe place - you turn around to find at least a dozen more issues ready to getchya!

In my literature class recently, we've been studying the poetry of Virgil. In his "Eclogues," he talks about the ease and pleasures of farm life . . . and how wonderful it is to get away. It seems to consistantly be the case that whatever I'm going through in real life, somehow the issue comes up in class. If only my teacher knew!

Back to Virgil.

People from the city often long for greener pastures . . . To be free from the fast-paced stress of living urban. I've never been a city girl - I'm much happier living on a ranch. I suppose that concurs with my "escapism" mindset. I tend to want to retreat to the "greener pastures" in my mind, instead of living life and dealing with the struggles as they come.

The wonderful thing about my weaknesses is that Gods glory is shown to be even greater in comparison.

Matthew 6:30 says, "and if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith?"

Good question. Why do I have so little faith?

"Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus." ~Philipians 4:6-7

When I trust in Him, I don't have to shrink away from problems. I can face them with Christ as my strength. By pushing away my troubles instead of dealing with them and praying about them, it is defying God's sovereignty. Defying His ability to overcome MY struggles!

Right now, I'm facing a certain difficulty in my life . . . one that I am very tempted to ignore. I'm tempted to run to green pastures, and not live in the season God put me in. Taking things into my own hands sometimes seems like the right answer (to me!) . . . But He is bigger than my problem.

Lord, make me trust, make me see what it is you want me to do. Help me to take things as they come, and lay them at the foot of the cross. I want to surrender to you, Father - but even surrendering I cannot do in my own strength. Enable me, Lord. Amen.

~Lauren Lee

"Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you."

~1 Peter 5:7

A Candle In the Window: Loving Someone, Even When you Can't

Today, my sister and I each put a candle in the window for our Dad.

It has long been an American tradition, since colonial times, to put a candle out for show of loyalty to a departed loved one. Similar things such as banners, and ribbons around trees, have also been used ... to convey a yearning for the return of a dear friend or family member.

Although our father is absent, it is not his physical return that we yearn for. It is his spiritual one. More than anything, Tay and I want to see him return to his Creator in repentance. For now, it is safest to stay far away from him ... but we have never prayed so much for anyone in our lives. Those candles in the window, remind us that our father is lost ... he's departed not only from the house, but from God ... and it is critical for us to pray for his salvation.

Jesus instructs us to love one another, just as He loved us (John 15:12). But how can Tay and I do that, when it is dangerous to be around this person we are commanded to love?

Prayer is the best way to love someone, even when they're desperately hurting you.

I have to be honest. At times, it is hard for me to love my Dad. I don't feel like praying "Lord ... Help him to come to see himself for who he is, that he may repent and have eternal life ..." Instead, I feel like screaming to the heavens: "You know, God. I wouldn't mind that fire and brimstone talk right about now!!!" You know what I'm talking about here?? I can't help these feelings!!

But whenever I get angry, I know that is only by humbling myself, and remembering how great and just God really is, that I can remember to love.

Love is what those candles stand for. I love my Dad enough to pray for him constantly ... And one day, I know God will answer my prayer. Either by bringing him to repentance, or keeping him depraved - both will show the glory of the Lord in some way. In this, I must trust.

Forever in the arms of her True Father,

Lauren Lee

"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God, and the peace of God, which suprasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." ~Philippians 4:6

Certainty in a Bunch of IDKs

“When I’m old, will I be rich?”

“Outcome uncertain.”

“Will I die and go to heaven in the next 10 seconds?”

“Cannot Determine At This Time.”

10 Seconds Later.

I chucked the small, black 8 ball across the room. You know that feeling you get in the pit of your stomach when you’re about to do something risky? Say, singing in front of a group of people, giving a speech, or stepping outside the norm? This was one of those times. Only this feeling wasn’t derived from a sense of self-consciousness. To put it frankly, I didn’t care how others saw me. At that moment, I would have sung “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star” in front of Brad Pitt without caring. The emotion I had was one of insecurity … and the thought running through my immature, shallow brain was: “somebody, kill me.”

I remember the day well. It was just a week or so after my dad left. I was depressed, unhappy, and really grumpy. So I sat in the corner of my room – not taking advantage of my cozy bed or fluffy chairs. No … I wouldn’t turn to any of my electronics, animals, or food sources for comfort … I just sat there, in the deepest corner I could find, and put my head in my hands.

I've heard kids describe the feeling as “wanting to pull their hair out.” Only I felt like that to the extreme!!! But I can’t describe it that way because, quite frankly, I see my hair as a prized possession.

So I’ll describe it in a different way: I felt like giving up.

Or at least my feelings were pretty close to that. Although the idea of actually taking my own life was simply horrifying, the whole concept of “having it over with” seemed appealing compared to my [then] current mental state.

You see, as my parents were contemplating divorce, and my dad was making provisions for himself elsewhere, my mom, sister and I didn’t know what we were going to do. Everything was uncertain. My dad would always say, in that odd tone that I had come to know all too well: “Everything’s going to be alright in the end.”

Ok.

But reality still existed. And I felt alone, abandon, and unloved. Uncertainty hit me like a ton of bricks, sitting there in that corner.

Where were we going to move too? What would I tell my friends? Sheesh, this is embarrassing. Does this mean I can’t go shopping anymore? Well, duh, Lauren. So many questions ran through my head. And this "poor me" mentality couldn’t handle it all.

Thus I sat in the corner, with an 8-ball in my hand. And it wasn’t giving me any answers. Obviously, even my little fortune telling friend was all mixed up.

So I attempted to answer my own questions:

"Will dad ever turn around?"

…. I don’t know.”

“Will we get to keep all our stuff …

…. I don’t know.”

“all my friends have fathers ... What will my life be like without one?" …

… I don’t know ….

See a pattern? I do. “I don’t knows” were invading my life. Everything I was – and was known for, was suddenly an “IDK” (Texting language for “I don’t know”, for all you non tech people out there).

My self-confidence had gone down the tubes. I felt like I could never be confident again. My family was torn apart, my social life was becoming more and more complicated, and I was sitting in the corner for 1, 2, going on 3 hours.

Just so I don’t leave you all hanging, I did get out of the corner. My butterfly-infested stomach eventually led me to the kitchen and I think I ate some granola bars or something.

But the feeling continued. Day in and day out, constant insecurity. Finally, I changed. And I would learn to adapt. In fact, I don’t think I adapted on my own. Someone Else adapted me. He adapted me. And as this blog grows, you will be able to read the story of how that happened.

Standing there, His arms were open wide. Right when I was sitting in a corner thinking about death, there He was in his fullness, a picture of life. Right when my 8-ball was reading “Ask Again Later,” there He was, ready to answer all my questions.

There He was. Certain and unmoved.

God was the one being I could put my entire trust into. He would never change. Christ was the one solid truth to which I clung - my Father, when I didn't have one! He was my certainty amidst a bunch of IDKs.

~Lauren Lee :)

HEBREWS 13:8: JESUS CHRIST IS THE SAME YESTERDAY AND TODAY AND FOREVER.

Nehemiah 9:17: But you are a God ready to forgive, gracious and merciful, slow to anger and abounding insteadfast love ...

Proverbs 3:5-6: Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take.