Nothing of My Own

Today's post is a little different. There is not so much a desire in my heart to preach to my blog readers but to express my desire to live Christ through my life, on display for a hurting world to see. It is for His glory that I write, so I take this opportunity to simply pray. I hand off the baton to Leslie Ludy to do the teaching . . . her books have so inspired me over the past several years, and I deeply encourage my sisters in Christ to read for themselves and discover the beautiful ministry she and her husband have developed in His name.





I kneel at the foot of your throne feeling completely inadequate to do the things YOU want me to do... I don't have the discipline, I don't have the courage, I want the passion but I can't seem to muster it. I hit roadblock after roadblock but yet it makes me ever more resolute - that You are my Father. You have the discipline, You have the courage, You have the passion. You sustain all things. Where I lack, You gladly fill.
Give me the tools I need to accomplish what it is You would have me do. Dwell in me so that I am continually being molded and shaped by You, so that I am not just Your "creation" in the sense of past-tense, but a work not yet finished. Do with me as you please and I will gladly be formed according to Your will and not my own.
Not in my strength, but yours - take me and make me not a "Lauren" who displays Christ, but Christ displayed through Lauren. Let me live out your power, your resurrection power, in my life. For you have already conquered sin, conquered death, and I have nothing to fear. The battle is won, so why am I still thinking "I'll do better tomorrow God, I promise"? An insult to your name, doubting your very ability to indwell me and overcome -- why? Why do I doubt? I surrender all to you, nothing I have, nothing I am is mine but Yours. I am freed from the bondage sin has kept me in, you have wiped my slate clean, Satan you can no longer hold guilt over my head or tell me I am not enough. Christ is in me -- a part of me -- my very soul, ingrained in my being, forever residing in my heart. Lord you live in me waiting to shine out, why do I block your light with pride and a lack of faith? Radiate through me... Change me in whatever ways, regardless of how painful, or how much I kick and scream ... My desire is to surrender completely.
Live in me, Lord . . . I want nothing of my own. Amen.

Turn, Or Burn ... the Issue of Repentance

My father has been fighting for visitation rights over the past couple months, and the judge recently ruled in his favor. Mandated by the court system, Taylor and I are now forced to visit one who has hurt us so deeply.

Our Dad has always been dangerous. Emotionally, and at times physically. Not only is the idea of spending so much time with him inconvienient and upsetting, but it's also frightening. He's a scary scary scary person! Thankfully, there is a court appointed supervisor to oversee the visits ... if not for that, I don't know what I would do.

Our most recent visit with him (our second since he won visitation priviledges), was held at a local Denny's. Taylor and I didn't order breakfast ... we weren't hungry. We just sat there. He started off the conversation by asking us flippant questions about school and even about our braces. He wanted to avoid, at all costs, having to discuss what he's done to the family. Somehow, I was able to ask him a question ... I asked, "Dad ... what does a relationship with us look like, from your perspective?" I wanted to know if he truly wanted reconciliation. "Well Lauren, right now, it looks like forced visits through the court." He said it very coldly. I turned away from him and just looked out the window. This doesn't seem like a man who wants to love his children.

I went on to tell him that we were scared of being with him, and Tay and I didn't want to see him. I begged him to stop forcing us. He replied, "Lauren, I really don't care ... This decision isn't up to you." Stone cold.

The week before, when we had our last visitation with him, I gave him my Bible. I outlined it with several verses, hoping that the Word would convict him. Hebrews 4:19 says: "For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart." However at Denny's that morning, I was disappointed.

"You know Lauren. I was reading your bible and came across a verse on how we shouldn't judge other people ...."

He went on and on then about how I was judging him and how no one can know if he's repentant for all the things he's done to his family (theft, adultery, and countless other hurts) except for God. He preached for a while, and I didn't say anything. But he went on and on about how he can have a vertical relationship with God, one that is repentant, that on a horizontal level people can't see. This was shocking to me, and completely unbiblical! Romans 12:18 says, "as far as it depends on you, live at peace with all men." My Dad has never even asked for my forgiveness.

Turn, or burn. The title of this post is very ... honest. Unless we turn from our sins, and repent of them, man can never enter into the kingdom of heaven. One of the most famous verses in the Bible, Galations 5:22 says: The fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self control. The fruit of the Spirit! Just as an apple grows from a tree, these characteristics will necessarily grow from a heart watered and fed with the Spirit of God. If there is no fruit, there is no Spirit.

I used to live in a house on a 7 acre piece of property. In the backyard, there was a huge, beautiful pond. Skipping rocks was always one of my favorite past-times with Taylor! We had contests for who could find the smoothest rocks, who could skip more times, and who's went the farthest. No matter how we threw the stones - there was ALWAYS a ripple. It is impossible to throw a stone into a pond without some after-effect! The same principle applies to Christianity. We honor God because we want to, and that vertical relationship has a ripple effect horizontally.

I love my Dad so much ... and I want him to turn, not burn. I pray for his salvation always ... And it is true that I can never truly know the condition of his heart. However, a believer is known by their actions. Repentance isn't just the empty words "I'm sorry", but actions that ask, "what can I do to restore us?"

Until we see that from our Dad, we cease to have one. True love doesn't put others through the things he has put us through. We ask you all for your prayers, that God will wake him up and help him to repent, that one day we might have a Dad again. That is our hope! However, for now ... we rely on God to be that Father. He is the best parent ... a perfect one.

~Lauren Lee