"There's a Monkey In My Coffee Cup!"

Today, I stumbled on this picture on the right. I thought it was really cute - the things people can do with that stuff! But, I thought it rightly portrayed a certain problem that I've encountered during this hard period of my life. When people attempt to offer empathy, offer that "cup of coffee" for consolation, I've often times been shocked to find a monkey inside. No! I am not calling anyone a primate. I'm talking about attitude. Instead of being serious, sometimes people feel as though they need to joke around

in order to make the person feel better. Make light of life, trying desperately to steer things away from the more serious matters that they might be facing.

When you're hurting, and you're down - talking about the weather, or your latest shopping trip really isn't going to cheer you up. It's monkey talk. It's tip-toeing around issues so that people don't have to really deal with your problems. It's a way for the other person to stay safe, by hiding behind frivolous conversation so they don't have to get their hands dirty. Even when meant kindly, pretending is the worst way to come alongside of a hurting person.

Lately I've been reading an amazing book. It's written by an inspiring and godly couple - "Captivating", by John and Stasi Eldridge. In this one particular chapter, John writes:

"Stasi and I had gathered with the men and women in our ministry who do the mens and womens retreats. The mens team wanted to offer our counsel and support and prayer to the womens team for their upcoming event. It was a chance for the women - and each of them are really, really amazing women, to just sort of open their hearts to us and process how things were going.
Our gathering moved rather quickly from the external kinds of issues - how long the sessions should be and logistical stuff like that - to the the internal world of the women's team themselves.
As we began to talk more intimately, something started coming over me. Just a sense, an inexplicable but strong impression:
back off.
That's what I felt. No one said it, nothing they were doing implied it, it wasn't a voice in my head. Just a very strong impression. I wasn't sure where it was coming from, but this strong reluctance, this sense of maybe we shouldn't press further into this, this feeling of just "back off" was growing in me, or over me, every moment that we moved more deeply into their lives.
With every step we took toward their hearts, I felt a stronger impression to end the conversation, withdraw, bail out.

. . . Back off. "leave her alone" or "you don't really want to go there, she'll be too much for you" is something Satan has set against every woman from the day of her birth. It's the emotional and spiritual equivalent of leaving a little girl by the side of the road to die."

Isn't this powerful? And isn't it true? As selfish human beings, when we are confronted with another person's problem, we automatically default to the mindset of "it's not my deal! If I get too deep into this, it's going to be too much for me . . . "

Back off. Leave her alone. You don't really want to go there, she'll be too much for you.

Our minds are tricky. We don't think we're being selfish. Sometimes our reasoning is, "if we just make light conversation, it will make this person feel better. It will relieve them from their hurt" When in reality, this is just an excuse that we use to draw ourselves away from any transmittable pain.

The point of this post, is to encourage you. When you see a hurting person, instead of bounding up to them with a huge smile and funny stories to tell, take the time to humbly ask, "how are you doing?" Don't be afraid to go there. Don't be afraid to listen and respond to their hurt.

I myself have been greatly blessed by those I have invested time in. Those I have gone to in all seriousness, to help them out of their funk. I have truly seen God work during those times when the silliness is gone, and sincerity takes its place. Of course there is a time for fun and laughter . . . But the fun and laughter should never be a shield that we hold up, resulting from our "back off" mindsets. It's easy to ignore problems, and run the other way. But sometimes, it's more appropriate to offer coffee - without the monkey.

~Lauren Lee

Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever. ~David Letterman

Be a coffee-drinking individual - espresso yourself! ~Author Unknown

I never drink coffee at lunch. I find it keeps me awake for the afternoon. ~Ronald Reagan

Hide and Sneak

"My name will be Angela!" Declared my 10 year old friend, Taryn.

"I'll be Rose!" Shouted her sister, Ryan.

"I think I shall be Charlotte." Said Taylor.

"Call me Patricia!" I chimed in.

The four of us girls marched into an expensive designer store Valentines Day evening armed with new identities and english accents - prepared to make the world believe that we were in fact, sophisticated young ladies with enough money to purchase the sparkling pink designer purse in the display box.

Loud enough for the sales clerk to hear, Charlotte (Taylor) shouted out to Patricia (me): "Dear, how much for that delightful little handbag to your right?"

"Only 5k, Char."

We did such a marvelous job living up to our alter egos that I believe the employees were quite fooled until Angela shouted, "I have a better idea. Lets just call Daddy and have him BUY this whole place. So much more convieniant!"

Exposed. I must say, it was exciting while it lasted. Upon exiting the store, all of us returned to our normal, bubbly, American selves once more. It had been a fun game.

Imagine, for a moment . . . That it wasn't a game. Imagine it being . . . a way of life. Although putting on a face for the sake of lighthearted amusement can be a humorous way to spend time with friends . . . imagine living in a constant world of pretend. The popular game of Hide and Sneak.

Scary.

But it happens.

Walking into church several sundays ago, I was a mess. Just the night before, I had gotten in a tussle with a friend of mine, combined with the fact that my Dad was saying some pretty hurtful stuff. I was down in the dumps. The combined burden weighed so heavily on me, all throughout church, that I didn't try to keep my feelings hidden. Quite frankly, I couldn't. As Mom, Tay and I left the building - Mrs. Montoya (my Mom's "Wing Man" as we like to call her), walked up, gave me a hug, and said, "There's no sparkle in those eyes, Lauren! What is going on?" My friends all said, "you look tired, girl . . . " and even Tay poked me in the side during the sermon, and whispered "Laur, just TRY to act like everything is ok."

My depression was visible.

People react, when they see you upset. Some people look down their nose, because they think you need to be happy all the time. Others pull away. But in general, everyone places some standard on you that you don't quite live up to, when you appear less than joyous.

That's why we hide.

That's why we do everything, actually. Why don't we wear our pajamas when we go out? Well, because it's (generally) not accepted. Why don't we slurp our soup at a fancy resturant? Because it's not accepted. Why don't we show our true feelings, and be depressed in front of other people? Because . . . it's not accepted.

I have to say - usually I'm quite good at Hide and Sneak. Lauren Lee can walk into any room with a smile, and you'd never know she was dying inside. I don't wear my heart on my sleeve . . . so if I'm having a hard day, you will never know about it.

Except for that Sunday, of course. The whole congregation seemed to know! There comes a time when a smile can't cover the truth.

What do we do, when we can't hold it in any longer? When it all comes to the surface, people see the real us, and we're judged?

We're welcomed into the arms of God, to be sheltered under His wings.

"Hear my cry, O God; listen to my prayer. From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I. For you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the foe. I long to dwell in your tent forever and take refuge in the shelter of your wings." (Psalm 61:1-4)

God takes me as I am. He doesn't just take the happy, cheery side . . . He takes the bruised, battered, and beaten side of me, too. He's not just there for me when things are going well, but promises to be a "strong tower against the foe." When problems are brought to God, the pressure is off . . . He doesn't look down his nose at you, if you're hurting! It is a safe place to drop the smile.

I don't need to put on a smile for God - because he sees right past it. It was fun to wear a facade during our shopping expedition, but . . . There's no need for me to put on an english accent and pretend to be sophisticated, when it comes to God. He sees the real me. No playing Hide and Sneak with Him! He knows the heart, and comforts His children. :)

~Lauren Lee

Fun fact: Fake Smiles Damage Your Health!

New research by Dr. Dieter Zapf of Frankfurt University suggests that workers who constantly have to pretend to be friendly to customers suffer from higher rates of depression and illness. The Advertiser reports:

Flight attendants, sales personnel and call centre operators are most at risk, say psychologists at Frankfurt University. People in these jobs are more likely to suffer from depression, according to the study released yesterday ahead of publication in consumer magazine Good Advice. "Every time a person is forced to repress his true feelings, there are negative consequences for his health," said Professor Dieter Zapf, a researcher into human emotions.

http://www.museumofhoaxes.com/hoax/weblog/comments/4040/

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