Forever and Ever, Amen

It's hard for me to think of the bygone days, once filled with laughter, love, and hope. When days seemed so carefree, and happy. I'm grateful for where I'm at now, but in wake of a broken heart, I can't help but to remember.

A beautiful memory can be a joy . . . unfortunately, it can also be an aching wound that starts throbbing again when it's revisited with my oh-so-helpless nostalgia, fueled by nasty powers of recall. The most painful things in life are the blissful things in life, no longer obtained. The most hurtful moments of all are the happy moments, that seem to have disappeared. The most broken hearts, come from the most wholesome and innocent hearts.

I think I have a problem.

A problem of not being able to get over things. Of not being able to get over... people. There's this thing in me called loyalty that seems to have taken over my soul to such an extent that this naturally "good" characteristic has now turned bad. My loyalty has turned into something destructive to my heart.

There's a song ... a song that my sister and mom turn up the volume for every time it plays on the radio. "Forever and ever, forever and ever ... forever and ever, Amen," ring the lyrics. That is unfortunately my state of mind.

Once I give my heart, and my friendship, and my all, to someone, I expect my heart to be taken care of. I expect them to treat it right. I expect . . . and sometimes I get really, really hurt.

When that happens, it's hard for me to recover. I can't seem to. . . get over it.

The truth is that in order to love, we have to extend our precious hearts out into a vast and scary world, exposed to all it's dangers and perils. We risk it getting hurt, getting bruised, and even letting it get completely broken. We're throwing ourselves out into unknown territory, saying, "bring it on!" When in reality, we can't fathom what we're inviting.

I've learned that that's a risk I have to take.

People aren't perfect. They sin. They hurt you. They beat you up. They chew you, and spit you out again. I've been really hurt, lately. Really, really bruised. It seems like whenever I extend my heart, sure enough, I get slapped. I remember back to the times when I was whole and complete - and yearn for those days of blithe existence.

The problem with this is that it's not a one time deal. It's not that I lost one person in my life, and so I'm sad and writing a blog about it to spill my woes to my unfortunate readers.

No . . .

it's that I've lost many, many people in my life (........and spilling my woes to my unfortunate readers.). :P

The good thing is that I'm telling all this to you, with a point in mind. Here's the point.

Satisfaction must always be found in Christ . . . always always. Because people will fail you. People will let you down. People will promise to take care of your heart, and then shatter it the first chance they get. Christ takes your heart, he mends it, he puts it away in a safe, locked, vault - and protects it forever. No one can get to it, when it's safe in his care.

I'd rather have my heart be protected by him any day, than try to build those walls around my heart, myself.

So, I can sit here in my window seat, and pine away about what used to be. I can mope and sob and cry to my mother (my poor mother... yes, she's heard a lot from me lately. :P ) and wish for the days where my broken heart was whole, and my relationship with so and so wasn't torn apart, and the world was a dandy place of unicorns and flowers and rainbows and waffles. Yes, there is a time for mourning, and a time for grief . . . But I have to get over it. I need to respond to the Spirit of God, whispering quietly in my ear, asking for surrender. Why not give HIM my heart, instead of putting unrealistic expectations on sinful mankind?

It's only Christ who will love me, "forever and ever."

Amen.

~Lauren Lee

Days Like This . . .

. . . Require brownies. My heart hurts, and my thoughts and few and far between. Usually, I write when I'm depressed . . . I write to get it all out there. Unfortunately, I have so many conflicting emotions, that I'm not sure what to write; I just can't seem to pinpoint which emotion I'm going through right now. Depression, and joy. Frustration, and love. Impatience, and contentment. Darkness ready to strangle me, and hopefulness that shows me light - all wrapped up into one huge brownie craving (the two things that make life bearable - Jesus and brownies. Please do not argue the theology of that statement). So! I am going to post an original, unique, and DELICIOUS recipe for the best brownies you've ever eaten.

1 Box of "just add water!" brownie mix.

Oh . . .

And the water. Of course.

Undercook them like Mrs. Pickering does, and you'll have the most delicious comfort food in the WORLD!! For those of you who know me, you know that I'm not really the most amazing cook . . . But I can sure bake boxed brownies like nobody's business. :P Now that we have our brownies . . . .

Depression, and joy. Frustration, and love. Impatience, and contentment. Darkness ready to strangle me, and hopefulness that shows me light.......

About a week ago, Taylor came into my room sobbing. She was broken, she said, over her sin. Last night, it hit her, that her standing before a perfect and holy God was so insignificant, but yet - her Lord cared for her eternity. She felt such sorrow, over her human nature. The almighty God of Heaven had worked in her heart.

This morning, Mom, Tay, and I sat on the couch, considering the greatness of the gospel. And what joy comes with it. The true happiness, and love for life, that only comes to man when filtered through the fingers of God. What a contrast, when compared to the night before. Tay had found such joy in the morning - after experiencing such sorrow, the night before.

Sometimes I feel like a bipolar Christian.

Emotions, we've found, aren't mutually exclusive. I can feel love, but I can also feel pain. I can feel insecure, and yet feel confident. Guilty, but freed. Scared and fearful, but courageous. As christians, our human emotions will always be "at odds" with the joy we know has been given to us by God.

Today, I feel depressed. Like a broken record played over and over . . . I feel like I've gone through this a million times. Circumstances have a way of weighing you down, until you fall and hit the bottom with a crash. I think I've crashed . . . And with the crash, comes pain . . . so much pain. But - that's a human emotion. Inside, I'm joyful. Because, I'm cherished by my Father, the perfect God of heaven. There is no reason to despair, when your suffering is so little compared to what the King of Glory went through, in your place.

Today, I feel frustration. I'm tired of the way people work, they way they think, the way they act. As a dear friend told me the other day, "people are NOT ok." And yet, no matter how frustrated I am with the world, and how unloved I can trick myself into thinking I am, I am loved. I have love that never ends, instilled inside of me. A love that truly blows my mind.

Today, I'm impatient. I wish I could have my way, now. Have you ever felt that way??

Though I have bursts of "Aghs!" I know that each season in life has it's purpose, and this is mine. I have a purpose. And it's perfectly ordained by God. Contentment. accepting what God has planned, without saying, "but but but . . . I want it now."

Today, darkness has 'bout strangled me. I'm scared, I feel alone, and frightened. But am I left to face these things alone? Have I been pushed into the abyss of uncertianty with nothing to give me comfort?

No.

I wear the belt of truth, the breastplate of righteousness, the shield of faith, the helmet of salvation, the sword of the Spirit (Ephesians 6:14-17). Hey! I have the armor of God. Who, or what, shall I fear??

All these emotions run together, mixing and matching, in no particular order. God has created us to have fears and insecurities, so that we can run to him. Yes, it is possible to be afraid, but confident, at the same time. To be joyful, yet indescribably sad. It's confusing to feel so much at one time - but it's also understandable in light of our Father, who comforts us as we are.

He cares for broken hearts (ps. 51:17). . . I will let mine rest in Him.

~Lauren Lee

Drops of Blood: The Issue of Fear

Around 2000 years ago a man wept in a garden not far from the place he would soon be murdered. Knowing of his impending torture and death, he sat on his knees in utter agony, crying out to God to preserve him. Human emotions, such as fear, panic, and anxiety swirled around in his mind. Worst of all . . . He knew he didn’t deserve it. Sitting in the garden, the man was afraid. He was fearful. He was trembling. He was terrified.

He even sweated blood.

“Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done.” An angel from heaven appeared to him and strengthened him. And being in anguish, he prayed more earnestly, and his sweat was like drops of blood falling to the ground.” ~Luke 22:42-44

Yes, Jesus Christ himself, was fearful. He was in utter agony, knowing that the time of his death was near. But he also knew the glory awaiting him in heaven. He was God himself, incarnated! And yet, he was experiencing fear and agony.

Was Christ in sin? Was he not “trusting in God” enough? Why was he anxious, since he was the Son of God and Creator of the Universe?

Imagine being a damsel in distress from one of those 1960’s cowboy movies. You’ve been bound hand and foot, and thrown onto the train tracks by the bad guys. As the train comes rushing toward you – what is going through your mind?

“YAY! I am about to die! Yippee!”

I doubt that.

As for myself, I would be extremely fearful. If I had the presence of mind to pray, I would be thinking, “Lord, please . . . Get me out of this!” Would I be wrong to plead with God, in fear? Would I not be trusting Him, like I should?

Lets go back to Christ . . . Matthew 26:10 (MSG version) says:

“Going a little ahead, he fell on his face, praying, “My Father, if there is any way, get me out of this. But please, not what I want. You, what do you want?”

God has given us human emotions such as anxiety and fear. In and of themselves, they are not bad things. Without fear, there would be no reason to trust in God. He doesn’t want us skipping along in life, saying “I have Jesus in my heart, rainbows in the sky, and I NEVER have any fear or anger or timidity! Aren’t things jolly??” Fearing earthly dangers draws us closer to our Father because we have no choice but to trust in Him.

Now, there is an unhealthy fear. This fear is one that is stubbornly held on to, and not given to God. It’s an unwillingness to trust in Him. When does fear become a bad thing? When it begins to consume you. As long as fear is felt with the knowledge of God’s sovereignty, it is actually something God approves of, because it draws your heart closer to his. He doesn’t condemn the fearful!

Christ goes on to pray, “not what I want, but what YOU want, Father!” Even in the midst of his despair, as drops of blood were falling from his forehead, he deferred to his Fathers will. Similarly, we should do the same. Even in our fear, we must trust in Him.

As I have had to face my Dad, I have been fearful. The train has been coming at me, and I’ve felt bound on the tracks. But my Heavenly Father is always the cowboy coming to the rescue, just in time. 1 Corinthians 10:13 tells us that God doesn’t allow us to suffer temptation more than we can bear. He always shows a way out! God won’t let us wallow in an unhealthy fear . . . He provides himself as an escape. So although that train is coming faster and faster, I have the knowledge that the Christ will save me, and not allow me to be hit by it. I am convinced that the fear I have of my Dad has been given to me by God and is a tool he uses to draw me ever closer to Himself.

~Lauren Lee

The Lord is my light and my salvation; Whom shall I fear? The Lord is the strength of my life; Of whom shall I be afraid? (Ps 27.1)

Thanks to Emmery Grotberg for the idea behind this post.