Days Like This . . .

. . . Require brownies. My heart hurts, and my thoughts and few and far between. Usually, I write when I'm depressed . . . I write to get it all out there. Unfortunately, I have so many conflicting emotions, that I'm not sure what to write; I just can't seem to pinpoint which emotion I'm going through right now. Depression, and joy. Frustration, and love. Impatience, and contentment. Darkness ready to strangle me, and hopefulness that shows me light - all wrapped up into one huge brownie craving (the two things that make life bearable - Jesus and brownies. Please do not argue the theology of that statement). So! I am going to post an original, unique, and DELICIOUS recipe for the best brownies you've ever eaten.

1 Box of "just add water!" brownie mix.

Oh . . .

And the water. Of course.

Undercook them like Mrs. Pickering does, and you'll have the most delicious comfort food in the WORLD!! For those of you who know me, you know that I'm not really the most amazing cook . . . But I can sure bake boxed brownies like nobody's business. :P Now that we have our brownies . . . .

Depression, and joy. Frustration, and love. Impatience, and contentment. Darkness ready to strangle me, and hopefulness that shows me light.......

About a week ago, Taylor came into my room sobbing. She was broken, she said, over her sin. Last night, it hit her, that her standing before a perfect and holy God was so insignificant, but yet - her Lord cared for her eternity. She felt such sorrow, over her human nature. The almighty God of Heaven had worked in her heart.

This morning, Mom, Tay, and I sat on the couch, considering the greatness of the gospel. And what joy comes with it. The true happiness, and love for life, that only comes to man when filtered through the fingers of God. What a contrast, when compared to the night before. Tay had found such joy in the morning - after experiencing such sorrow, the night before.

Sometimes I feel like a bipolar Christian.

Emotions, we've found, aren't mutually exclusive. I can feel love, but I can also feel pain. I can feel insecure, and yet feel confident. Guilty, but freed. Scared and fearful, but courageous. As christians, our human emotions will always be "at odds" with the joy we know has been given to us by God.

Today, I feel depressed. Like a broken record played over and over . . . I feel like I've gone through this a million times. Circumstances have a way of weighing you down, until you fall and hit the bottom with a crash. I think I've crashed . . . And with the crash, comes pain . . . so much pain. But - that's a human emotion. Inside, I'm joyful. Because, I'm cherished by my Father, the perfect God of heaven. There is no reason to despair, when your suffering is so little compared to what the King of Glory went through, in your place.

Today, I feel frustration. I'm tired of the way people work, they way they think, the way they act. As a dear friend told me the other day, "people are NOT ok." And yet, no matter how frustrated I am with the world, and how unloved I can trick myself into thinking I am, I am loved. I have love that never ends, instilled inside of me. A love that truly blows my mind.

Today, I'm impatient. I wish I could have my way, now. Have you ever felt that way??

Though I have bursts of "Aghs!" I know that each season in life has it's purpose, and this is mine. I have a purpose. And it's perfectly ordained by God. Contentment. accepting what God has planned, without saying, "but but but . . . I want it now."

Today, darkness has 'bout strangled me. I'm scared, I feel alone, and frightened. But am I left to face these things alone? Have I been pushed into the abyss of uncertianty with nothing to give me comfort?

No.

I wear the belt of truth, the breastplate of righteousness, the shield of faith, the helmet of salvation, the sword of the Spirit (Ephesians 6:14-17). Hey! I have the armor of God. Who, or what, shall I fear??

All these emotions run together, mixing and matching, in no particular order. God has created us to have fears and insecurities, so that we can run to him. Yes, it is possible to be afraid, but confident, at the same time. To be joyful, yet indescribably sad. It's confusing to feel so much at one time - but it's also understandable in light of our Father, who comforts us as we are.

He cares for broken hearts (ps. 51:17). . . I will let mine rest in Him.

~Lauren Lee

Hide and Sneak

"My name will be Angela!" Declared my 10 year old friend, Taryn.

"I'll be Rose!" Shouted her sister, Ryan.

"I think I shall be Charlotte." Said Taylor.

"Call me Patricia!" I chimed in.

The four of us girls marched into an expensive designer store Valentines Day evening armed with new identities and english accents - prepared to make the world believe that we were in fact, sophisticated young ladies with enough money to purchase the sparkling pink designer purse in the display box.

Loud enough for the sales clerk to hear, Charlotte (Taylor) shouted out to Patricia (me): "Dear, how much for that delightful little handbag to your right?"

"Only 5k, Char."

We did such a marvelous job living up to our alter egos that I believe the employees were quite fooled until Angela shouted, "I have a better idea. Lets just call Daddy and have him BUY this whole place. So much more convieniant!"

Exposed. I must say, it was exciting while it lasted. Upon exiting the store, all of us returned to our normal, bubbly, American selves once more. It had been a fun game.

Imagine, for a moment . . . That it wasn't a game. Imagine it being . . . a way of life. Although putting on a face for the sake of lighthearted amusement can be a humorous way to spend time with friends . . . imagine living in a constant world of pretend. The popular game of Hide and Sneak.

Scary.

But it happens.

Walking into church several sundays ago, I was a mess. Just the night before, I had gotten in a tussle with a friend of mine, combined with the fact that my Dad was saying some pretty hurtful stuff. I was down in the dumps. The combined burden weighed so heavily on me, all throughout church, that I didn't try to keep my feelings hidden. Quite frankly, I couldn't. As Mom, Tay and I left the building - Mrs. Montoya (my Mom's "Wing Man" as we like to call her), walked up, gave me a hug, and said, "There's no sparkle in those eyes, Lauren! What is going on?" My friends all said, "you look tired, girl . . . " and even Tay poked me in the side during the sermon, and whispered "Laur, just TRY to act like everything is ok."

My depression was visible.

People react, when they see you upset. Some people look down their nose, because they think you need to be happy all the time. Others pull away. But in general, everyone places some standard on you that you don't quite live up to, when you appear less than joyous.

That's why we hide.

That's why we do everything, actually. Why don't we wear our pajamas when we go out? Well, because it's (generally) not accepted. Why don't we slurp our soup at a fancy resturant? Because it's not accepted. Why don't we show our true feelings, and be depressed in front of other people? Because . . . it's not accepted.

I have to say - usually I'm quite good at Hide and Sneak. Lauren Lee can walk into any room with a smile, and you'd never know she was dying inside. I don't wear my heart on my sleeve . . . so if I'm having a hard day, you will never know about it.

Except for that Sunday, of course. The whole congregation seemed to know! There comes a time when a smile can't cover the truth.

What do we do, when we can't hold it in any longer? When it all comes to the surface, people see the real us, and we're judged?

We're welcomed into the arms of God, to be sheltered under His wings.

"Hear my cry, O God; listen to my prayer. From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I. For you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the foe. I long to dwell in your tent forever and take refuge in the shelter of your wings." (Psalm 61:1-4)

God takes me as I am. He doesn't just take the happy, cheery side . . . He takes the bruised, battered, and beaten side of me, too. He's not just there for me when things are going well, but promises to be a "strong tower against the foe." When problems are brought to God, the pressure is off . . . He doesn't look down his nose at you, if you're hurting! It is a safe place to drop the smile.

I don't need to put on a smile for God - because he sees right past it. It was fun to wear a facade during our shopping expedition, but . . . There's no need for me to put on an english accent and pretend to be sophisticated, when it comes to God. He sees the real me. No playing Hide and Sneak with Him! He knows the heart, and comforts His children. :)

~Lauren Lee

Fun fact: Fake Smiles Damage Your Health!

New research by Dr. Dieter Zapf of Frankfurt University suggests that workers who constantly have to pretend to be friendly to customers suffer from higher rates of depression and illness. The Advertiser reports:

Flight attendants, sales personnel and call centre operators are most at risk, say psychologists at Frankfurt University. People in these jobs are more likely to suffer from depression, according to the study released yesterday ahead of publication in consumer magazine Good Advice. "Every time a person is forced to repress his true feelings, there are negative consequences for his health," said Professor Dieter Zapf, a researcher into human emotions.

http://www.museumofhoaxes.com/hoax/weblog/comments/4040/

Can you spot a fake smile? Click Here To Find Out . . .

Be Still, Oh Restless Soul . . .

Today has been a rollercoaster for me. I have experienced two very different emotional extremes, and I am confused, confused, confused. It seems just as something start to get better . . . it falls into a dark abyss once more and I am powerless to stop it’s descent. My soul is restless, my mind is overworked, and all reason seems to have been drained from my noggin.

It’s a terrible feeling.

I attempt to write this at 12:00 midnight, with brains scattered and emotion higher than Kilimanjaro. I write not so that I make any sense (I think all hope for that is long gone), but that there might be some irony demonstrated from this post. The irony being: When all is lost, you’ve still won. When you are experiencing your greatest sorrow, there is greatest capacity for peace.

Lauren has gone crazy!!!

Don’t give up on me yet. ;)

Luke 17:33 says, “Whoever tries to keep his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life will preserve it.” God often speaks to us through the ironies of life. And tonight (or rather, this morning), I feel like all is lost . . . and I am experiencing my greatest sorrow. How can I be able to hold my head up? How can I discover peace?

I can’t.

(Lauren’s really lost it! She’s gone! :P )

I can’t!!!

Only God can.

One of my favorite verses, 1 Corinthians 15:57: “But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.” Sometimes I get so caught up in the little battles of life, that I don’t remember the big picture. In 100 years when I’m with Christ . . . it won’t matter if everything worked out perfectly on earth. What will matter is that Jesus won salvation for us on the cross, and conquered death. Even when I’ve lost here on earth, Christ has still won the battle for me.

Isaiah 26:3 says: You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you.

A mind stayed on Christ is a peaceful mind. . . a restful mind:

Matthew 11:28 - "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.”

How burdened I feel right now . . . and yet, Christ sustains me through it all. In my weakness, He is my strength. Thus, one might find the ironies proven true . . . Even when I feel as though all is lost . . . I still have victory in Christ. Even in my greatest sorrow, He gives my soul more peace than ever I could’ve found on my own.

How great is our God!

I think I shall now attempt sleep once more.

~Lauren Lee