Saturday, May 1, 2010

Days Like This . . .

. . . Require brownies. My heart hurts, and my thoughts and few and far between. Usually, I write when I'm depressed . . . I write to get it all out there. Unfortunately, I have so many conflicting emotions, that I'm not sure what to write; I just can't seem to pinpoint which emotion I'm going through right now. Depression, and joy. Frustration, and love. Impatience, and contentment. Darkness ready to strangle me, and hopefulness that shows me light - all wrapped up into one huge brownie craving (the two things that make life bearable - Jesus and brownies. Please do not argue the theology of that statement). So! I am going to post an original, unique, and DELICIOUS recipe for the best brownies you've ever eaten.

1 Box of "just add water!" brownie mix.
Oh . . .
And the water. Of course.

Undercook them like Mrs. Pickering does, and you'll have the most delicious comfort food in the WORLD!! For those of you who know me, you know that I'm not really the most amazing cook . . . But I can sure bake boxed brownies like nobody's business. :P Now that we have our brownies . . . .

Depression, and joy. Frustration, and love. Impatience, and contentment. Darkness ready to strangle me, and hopefulness that shows me light.......

About a week ago, Taylor came into my room sobbing. She was broken, she said, over her sin. Last night, it hit her, that her standing before a perfect and holy God was so insignificant, but yet - her Lord cared for her eternity. She felt such sorrow, over her human nature. The almighty God of Heaven had worked in her heart.

This morning, Mom, Tay, and I sat on the couch, considering the greatness of the gospel. And what joy comes with it. The true happiness, and love for life, that only comes to man when filtered through the fingers of God. What a contrast, when compared to the night before. Tay had found such joy in the morning - after experiencing such sorrow, the night before.

Sometimes I feel like a bipolar Christian.

Emotions, we've found, aren't mutually exclusive. I can feel love, but I can also feel pain. I can feel insecure, and yet feel confident. Guilty, but freed. Scared and fearful, but courageous. As christians, our human emotions will always be "at odds" with the joy we know has been given to us by God.

Today, I feel depressed. Like a broken record played over and over . . . I feel like I've gone through this a million times. Circumstances have a way of weighing you down, until you fall and hit the bottom with a crash. I think I've crashed . . . And with the crash, comes pain . . . so much pain. But - that's a human emotion. Inside, I'm joyful. Because, I'm cherished by my Father, the perfect God of heaven. There is no reason to despair, when your suffering is so little compared to what the King of Glory went through, in your place.

Today, I feel frustration. I'm tired of the way people work, they way they think, the way they act. As a dear friend told me the other day, "people are NOT ok." And yet, no matter how frustrated I am with the world, and how unloved I can trick myself into thinking I am, I am loved. I have love that never ends, instilled inside of me. A love that truly blows my mind.

Today, I'm impatient. I wish I could have my way, now. Have you ever felt that way??
Though I have bursts of "Aghs!" I know that each season in life has it's purpose, and this is mine. I have a purpose. And it's perfectly ordained by God. Contentment. accepting what God has planned, without saying, "but but but . . . I want it now."

Today, darkness has 'bout strangled me. I'm scared, I feel alone, and frightened. But am I left to face these things alone? Have I been pushed into the abyss of uncertianty with nothing to give me comfort?
I wear the belt of truth, the breastplate of righteousness, the shield of faith, the helmet of salvation, the sword of the Spirit (Ephesians 6:14-17). Hey! I have the armor of God. Who, or what, shall I fear??

All these emotions run together, mixing and matching, in no particular order. God has created us to have fears and insecurities, so that we can run to him. Yes, it is possible to be afraid, but confident, at the same time. To be joyful, yet indescribably sad. It's confusing to feel so much at one time - but it's also understandable in light of our Father, who comforts us as we are.

He cares for broken hearts (ps. 51:17). . . I will let mine rest in Him.

~Lauren Lee

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